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Don't Let Conflict Get The Best of You!

Ask most people if they enjoy conflict, and you will get a resounding “No!”

Conflict is usually viewed as a negative occurrence. Most people run away from it, some allow it to simmer in the back burner unnoticed, and others choose to wage wars over seemingly small matters because they have an “I’m always right” attitude.

The reason conflict is perceived as troublesome is because most of us don’t know how to deal with it effectively. Yet conflict can allow us to acknowledge that something is indeed wrong; that something is missing in what we are doing. Granted, that’s not always a gratifying feeling, but it is an important one. Realizing something is amiss is a good starting point; from there we can search and locate the missing pieces needed to strengthen our relationships.

While extensively studying this subject and working through my own conflicts, I’ve identified certain factors that can make conflict a more productive interchange.

Understanding Your Role in the Conflict

While getting caught up in the particulars of the conflict is a natural instinct, it is almost always best to consider first the roots of the conflict and plan appropriate responses. The key is to become more self aware. Ask insightful questions, listen to your inner wisdom, and respond in ways that help you gain clarity and improve your ability to consider another’s perspective.

Regardless of your role as parent, sibling, friend, partner, subordinate, or boss, in order to understand conflict you must understand yourself. You must know how you react to conflict and what actions or situations “push your buttons.”

Ask Yourself:

• What is this conflict about?
• Do I feel threatened because my values differ from this person?
• Am I concerned with work quality because they are planning to do it differently than I would?
• Am I afraid to look weak in front of my colleagues and superiors?
• Am I afraid of change?

Once you discover, acknowledge, and clarify your key concerns, you can begin to question the validity of how you are interpreting the situation. This self-exploratory step will help you discover whether you are judging the other person’s words, actions and ideas fairly.

Seeing Beyond Yourself

Think of it this way: in looking through a glass window filled with smudges, how accurate is your vision of the outside world? Similarly, in any conflict, you have to consider the frame of reference you are using to interpret others attitude and behaviors.

You must ask yourself if you are experiencing the conflict “in the moment,” i.e., clear of any other factors. Many conflicts are fed by allowing outside stress or exhaustion from other aspects of one’s life to interfere with the situation at hand.

Be honest with yourself: you need to consider what differing values, attitudes, and perceptions you are using to evaluate the conflict at hand, and how these differ from those held by your colleagues. You need to take an honest view of your own reactions to determine, for example, whether you are judging their actions and intent based on your own expectations of the situation.

Here are some questions to guide your self-exploration process:

• Are you minimizing your contribution while exaggerating theirs?
• Are you more suspicious of someone’s intent because they have done you wrong in the past, but you never brought the offense to their attention?
• Are you assuming the worst about them because you dislike them to begin with?
• Are you facing uncertainty and vulnerability because you think they are more powerful than you are in this situation?

By its nature, conflict is unpredictable. When facing it, the only reaction you can control is your own. To find a path through the struggle you must open yourself to remove barriers that prevent you from seeing what is beyond the realm of your thoughts and motivations.

When conflicts are honestly and respectfully expressed and put forth on the table, a union of thought and action will follow. Remember, you have a say as to whether a situation escalates or resolves.

The choice is yours!